Yochanna's random thoughts

Blessed

2009-06-08T08:49:00.003+02:00

So here's just a short post, because I haven't posted in ages. Still almost a month to go before my summer holidays start, and in that time I have a lot to do. So life is mainly just BUSY here. But there are fun things too. Thursday I will be 19, though we won't celebrate until the second Sunday after that :( And also I am signing up for a minor next year. I am going to do Swahili. Am I mad? Yeah. But it really sounds fun to me to do it. Last night when I was talking with my mum, I was talking about my study and all I would like to do in my minor. There is room for 28 EC (which is almost half a year of education if you would take it together, spread over two years), but Swahili is 40 EC O.O Meaning I will have to work HARD. And still I'd like to do so much more. I also want to do development psychology, for example. When I told that to a friend she looked at me like: O.O and said: "When? At night time!?" It made me laugh. My mum said she has some interesting books on it, so I'll just read the during summer instead and next year just keep it to Swahili. Hahah I'm such a nerd. Anyway, it once again made me realise how blessed I am. I can go to University and study what I like. I could even do two studies at the same time for the same fee (that would be night time :P). The problem now is actually that there is just too much to choose from. I have so much freedom and wealth. It makes me really grateful. God really blessed me. Now I pray for those less lucky. Often it seems they deserve it more. It makes me wish I could do something.... Random once again, but I should stop writing and go do something now :P

Shoot for the moon

2009-04-23T20:52:00.003+02:00

mmmm... this one will be really random, as I don't know what to post. I've not continued the reflection on the song, because the next step would be to get more personal and I decided I do not want to do that in a place where just anyone can read it. So what can I tell? I had an exam today, and I think I totally messed up. Though after making it, it was not as bad as when I first read the questions. I guess things can sometimes seem too big for me, which makes me want to just drop it completely. I did consider for a moment just to answer half, because I was really like: "why am I even trying this?" But then when I started writing out answers, I realised I could at least make up something. I just have to try. There's nothing to lose and only things to gain. Or as I could quote from my zusje's blog: "Shoot for the moon, so if you fail, you'll land among the stars." There; short post. I'm lazy and museless.

Crossroads

2009-04-20T23:07:00.005+02:00

Ever had a meeting with someone you didn't know, but that still felt really special? I did. I was thinking of it today on the bus. It's hard to say what's so special about these meetings. I guess it's that you see a person really as another human being with a story. It's hard to explain, but I remembered two of these special meetings. The first was a couple of years ago, let's say three. I was getting food at the snackbar and waiting for my order to be done. There was a child sitting opposite of me, a boy or about nine or ten I guess. It's strange how I can't really remember what he looked like, but I know he looked a bit shabby (like boys of those age who don't care a bit about how they look), his hair was slightly long I think and he had a bit of blue under his eyes, making me wonder if he didn't get enough sleep, or if he had been in a fight or something like that. If I should have to label him on looks I'd say 'the roughed up boy from the wrong side of town'. But I would soon discover he hid a sweet soul. He looked at me for a bit and then said something like: "Nice dress." (I wear rather weird clothes). I smiled at him rather surprised and thanked him, and we started talking for a bit. He said he was getting fries for his siblings. He also told me he was at a special school, because he had troubles learning or so. Soon my order was done and I had to leave again, but when I was on my way home I really felt like this had been a special meeting. I couldn't keep my mind off it. I felt a bit stupid for it, but I seriously wondered if that boy was doing alright at home. Could have been his appearance or something in his words. Maybe it was just all me, but it wouldn't let go of me. I really felt like that was a special child, a unique person, beautifully made, and (must've been my mother instinct) I loved him already, even though we had only talked for a few minutes. The second meeting was about two years ago, in Rome. Actually it was a combination of two meetings. We were outside a church, with our class, but we weren't sure if the teachers were still in. In front of the exit there was a gyspy girl collecting money for the church. I wasn't sure if I could go back in through the exit, so I tried to explain to her I wanted to see if our teachers were in. However, I soon found out she did not understand English, and I didn't know Italian. In some form of primitive body language we tried to communicate, and finally she apparently understood I wanted in, beacause she nodded and gestured. But then the teachers already came and I smiled at her and waved while we left. She waved back. Then the next day or two days later, I'm not sure, we were walking through Rome, and I passed her but first did not see/recognise her (ever noticed how people of an etnicy that is not your own all look alike?). She called out and I turned. She greeted me so cheerfully that it surprised me. I smiled and greeted her back (I think the 'hey' was the only thing we both understood). She mentioned the name of the church I had met her earlier, and I nodded and said excitedly "Yeah! I remember!" I realised she didn't understand, but I think she got the message. Our group was moving on and I had to go and so I waved at her again and she waved back. It was the last time I saw her. Funny how we couldn't even talk to each other and only met two very short moments, but it kept being on my mind. I think she must have been in her early twenties, a bit older than me, but living a completely different life than me. I think I had already had more education than she had, and was she standing there at the church every day? Why? Charity? Was it her job? There were a lot of gypsy beggars in Rome, but it seemed she belonged to that church. I wanted to know who she was, and how she lived her life. I wondered whether, if we would have spoken the same language and would have met a bit longer, we would have been friends. Isn't it funny how we meet possible friends every day. My declared sister in the Phillipines and I would never even have known of each other's existence if she had not joined the same site as I had. And now she's a very important person to me. Maybe that's what makes these meetings so special, you realise you have a real person in front of you, a possible friend or other relation, but most importantly, the person becomes a human being like you, with a history and background, and thoughts and feelings just like you. It is no longer a part of that grey mass, but a unique person with a face, even if you cannot look beyond that face. All those possible friends we pass each day... Usually I don't see them as real people like me. They are just the mass, and conversations are often superficial. But sometimes you meet someone and for some reason it is not a 'passing each other' but a 'crossing of paths', a crossroads of two stories. It's hard to put this in words, especially at midnight. It's just that you realise that this is were two stories meet, and you know that you can really affect the other story, like the other person can affect yours. To me just those moments that you really meet another human being could be enough to live for.

Reflection on a song

2009-04-17T21:04:00.008+02:00

So my zusje told me to post... Random it is... In Uni I had a subject I can translate as 'reflection'. It means you look critically at yourself (or whatever you look at). It means becoming aware of what is playing inside you. Nah, it's hard to explain. However, these blogs are good for it. By writing down your thoughts, you can order them, and come to new knowledge about yourself. We've also reflected on art, literature etc. So, as my sweet zusje wants me to post zo badly (:P), I'll make a reflection on the lyrics of a song I like. (It's called 'the wishing well', by Connie Dover)

When first I saw you,
I saw beauty.
And I blinded my eyes
for fear that I should weep.
~
When first I heard you,
I heard sweetness.
And I turned away
for fear of my weakness.
~
I blinded my eyes,
my face I turned away,
and I hardened my heart
for fear of my ruin.

I must admit, part of the reason why I like it so much is because it fits a storyline in my little roleplaying-happening. That was why I looked it up at you tube (c) recently. But I already liked it the first time I heard it, and that was before rp came into my life :P. So why do I like it? It's a sad song. What I see in it is the beholding of something beautiful and pure. Something you long for (true, not exactly in the text, but it's my interpretation). Yet it is so beautiful, so great that you cannot stay around. It's like a tragedy. The very 'greatness' turns against you. Also I read about something 'bad' in the person saying the words. There is weakness, or something like that. There is a contrast with the 'you'. It is like the 'you' is too pure for the 'I'. The second line, speaks of weeping. I read it like that the 'you' is so beautiful that it would make the 'I' cry. To behold something so pure, makes the I aware of what he/she is not. And also aware of the gap between you and I. That is why I should weep. It is also like the I knows he (I'll make it a he) doesn't make a chance to overcome the gap. He knows that it is better to turn and stay away from the you, to not be temped to get any closer, because that would become his ruin. He would be like Icarus (is that how you write it in English?), who came to close to the sun, and that became his ruin. Like Icarus the I would fall if he would be with the you. But it is tempting. The I is weak. Just the voice of 'you' makes I feel tempted. That is why he must turn away. Because he might not be able to resist temptation any longer. There. If I would reflect deeper, I'd go see what this has to do with me. But like always when I'm reflecting, my mind is just so full and chaotic at a certain point that I can't put things down anymore. I will stop now, and continue this later. If I'll work on this for a while, and will do more reflection, it might occur that I will start having meaningfull dreams or thoughts. Random things might suddenly get a very important meaning, and memories might suddenly appear. I'll try and put them down if that happens. The result, when you link all of those things together can be surprising.

So I have a blog?!? o.o

2009-04-17T13:52:00.000+02:00

So I have a blog, huh? My sister suggested I should start one, but I must admit I have never kept a blog before. I have never been able to keep up a diary for longer than a week, so I seriously doubt if I will keep this one much longer. But why not try? :P This one's for you zusje! ... And because I'm too lazy to study at the moment... heheh So my name is Yochanna, my real name is not, but is a form of that name, so I will just go by Yochanna. I am an 18 years old young woman and a first year's student in University. I study humanistics, but it's hard to explain what it is, and I am to lazy to do so too. I live in the Netherlands, and traven up and down to the city of my Uni three times a week. Right now I am having a study week, meaning I should study - not start blogs - for my exams next week and work on projects and researches. That's me in a nutshell... a small nutshell... I'll try to write something more soon! <3>